You vs. I

You seldom display, and I have nothing to disguise.

Subtle is your arrogance. I talk shit to the vanity.

With such a lenient heart, you must be anemic. Always helping others in my time of need.

We guard our own hearts, and you hid like a Jew, but I am German after all.

Not a single thought in your mind, but I have legions.

You never form an opinion. I can hate strangers within the first two minutes of conversation.

You wanted my perfect body; I scarred it for trusting it’s pitiful heart.

You gave me everything I never wanted. You kept me away from everything I could have had.

No smile, just a fake to replace it. Bright eyes, gone dim.

every time you turned your back this way, in confidence, i would hold still, cause you wouldn’t have walked away.

but you,

if i were you, i would have left just as soon as i said “i want you to stay”. and i am sorry you felt it was safe.

because i try to lie to myself out loud, even more when you’re listening. but that is whats wrong with assuming,

So I’ll talk to myself. every word that was spoke was not meant to help.

and within one year, i torched our dreams til there were none and scattered the ashes when i was done

So iwas left with no one.

You need to shut the fuck up

There are few things more irritating and aggravating than listening to someone speak to their child with so much hate and disgust , it amazes me they are actually a parent. If they only knew what they had…

Children are inncocent. There is no good reason to curse at your child, no reason to tell your kid to shut the fuck up. I’m not one to shut the fuck up if I hear someone say that to a kid, which probably doesn’t help the situation. But I just can’t sit there quietly and listen to it. I understand how frustrating parenting can be but I also understand the tragedy of losing the job. I would rather be frustrated every day for the rest of my life than have to watch someone else parent my child.

If you just keep in mind that your kid is naive, inncocent, and oblivious to the complexities of life and parenting, you won’t be so frustrated all the time. And your kid won’t have so many memories of how you treated them growing up, they won’t be scared of you when they get older, and they probably won’t be afraid to come talk to you when they need someone to listen. I am clinging to the hope that my daughter will at least still be able to talk to me when she is older and starts discovering how complex social living can be.

Confidence

Negative attributes                     Positive attributes

Junkie
Yell when  mad
Negative outlook
Inappropriate
Smoker
Self centered
Mean
No career
No money
Homeless
Hater
Unmotivated
Depressed
Low self-esteem

 

Lack of support can ruin your life. No confidence means you will never try. you won’t chase your dreams, assuming you will fail, like you do at everything… Can’t even get to work on time. Can’t even take care of your own child. You will never get a chance to thrive, to pursue what makes you happy, cause you would fail and it would be a waste of time. Your whole life has been one big waste of time.

 

Life in infancy

Legs kicking like a babe again. Maybe this is what infancy feels like. Cry the same in the end. and I still get put down at night. But I wish I was never born. My brain and body are torn. I am ready to crawl into my grave. Never felt so fucking brave. I feel jealous as the cemetery passes. The rest of the masses. While a child blows kisses, I laugh and let them float west. The coast stays where I left it. and the anxiety remains under my skin. I scream and throw a fit. Please don’t let me get born again. don’t let me be born again.

Life is but a bad dream…

It has been a while…. for many things. I just wither. I do not let myself experience joy, only around Her. Because around Her, I feel human again. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Near Her. Loving Her. Guiding Her. Teaching Her. Hugging Her.

Then she is gone. for another week. And most times we part ways she says “I just want to go to your house and be with you…but I can’t.” All I can do is say “I want you to be with me too, more than anything. I’m sorry.” I am powerless. My heart breaks over and over again.

She knows she is supposed to be with me. She wants to come back home, back with Her Mama. But She doesn’t understand why She can’t. And as a parent, its the worst feeling to hear your child say she misses you and wants to be with you, and you can’t even be there for her, with her.

My parents have turned on me. They are fighting in court to adopt Her. They WANT to keep my little girl, forever, away from Her mother, where She wants to be. They want to keep their daughter’s daughter, for no reason other than that they finally spent more time with her (because they were kinda forced to) and they fell in love with her. For no reason other than their selfishness.

I am not a threat to my daughter. Everyone who knows me, knows that. Everyone who saw me with Her knows how much I looked after her. She always came first.

I can’t believe this is happening. This has to be a bad dream. I just need to wake up. Please, someone, wake me the fuck up! THIS CANT BE REAL. This isn’t reality, is it?