Because I hate the society we live in, which consists of objects, systems, people, and politics, most of which I hate. Of course, there are those rare people and objects within society that I love, or at least tolerate. However, in my experience, society is full of hate, and I live in that society.
It goes without saying (yet I will say it anyway) that my experiences differ from others. I envy the ignorant (or at least I wish I did). I envy people whose parents were always there for them. I envy those who have a support system in place. I feel sad when I see a little girl, riding on her father’s shoulders, smiling and giggling.
I get stuck thinking about how my life, how my daughter’s life, could have been different if only I hadn’t done this, or my parents hadn’t raised me like that, and on and on… I have trouble letting go of the past, because I cannot forgive myself, and the people in my life who have hurt me and my future, have yet to seek forgiveness. I wish I understood, or that they understood, whoever needs to understand, I wish they just would.
This beautiful little girl:
Her name is Raelynn. I gave birth to her in 2010, with intentions on having her adopted. I changed my mind when they left me alone with her overnight. I fell in love and have been in love with her ever since. Her and I spent every single day together from birth until December 5th, 2013, when she was physically abused by someone her and I trusted, while I was gone, paying the rent. I came home, it was dark, and supposedly she had just woken up from a nap. About 15 minutes later, the “babysitter” left, and I checked on Raelynn. I picked her up, and she screamed a scream that I wish I could forget hearing. I knew she was hurt. I turned on the light, and my heart started beating faster and faster as I saw more and more bruises all over her head. I then noticed she wouldn’t move her arm. I took her to the hospital. She had a fractured rib, an inflamed pancreas, a fractured arm, and multiple bruises. CPS took her from me, gave her to my parents, tried terminating my rights, but changed their mind after they saw the bond between her and I. However, they did not give her back to me. I have cried everyday since.
Today, I am still fighting to get full custody back. After losing my child, I lost my apartment because I took time off from life. I shutdown. I didn’t know what else to do. Everything I did was for her. So I was left with nothing. CPS provided me a list of hoops to jump through, which I have been doing ever since. However, now that my parents have been forced to spend time with her, they fell in love with her (of course), and are making everything harder for me to get her back. They are making false accusations against me, and if anyone knows how CPS works, all heresy is valid until proven otherwise. Thank god I hired a private attorney. Things have been moving forward. I have gotten back on my feet and have even started a business of my own, which so far has been successful. The fact that I am still fighting for full custody is ridiculous. But that is how CPS works, they get paid for every child they adopt out, so unless you work REALLY hard, dance when they tell you to dance, and retain private counsel, you stand no chance of getting your child back because they will NOT do everything they can to reunify families, because adoption is where the money’s at.
My daughter did not deserve to be abused by someone she trusted. She did not deserve to be moved out of her home and away from her mom, who she spent every day with. She did not deserve to have her routine completely interrupted. She did not deserve to suffer.
I am suffering, and I wish I could have suffered what she suffered, rather than her having to suffer all of that. I feel awful. I feel angry. Then my mind takes me to dark places. I am very good at talking shit about myself.
Hope is the only reason I am breathing these days. Hoping that one day, hopefully very soon, Raelynn and I can be happy and together every day again, like we were before that day in December. I hope that as she grows up, our bond will grow as well. I hope I can help her cope with what happened to her when the long-lasting effects of the trauma she experienced finally come to surface.
I will never forget her cries when they took her from me at the hospital. And I remember, when she was a newborn, swearing to her that I’d always be there. I need to be there for her, always. I promised. No one should have the authority to prevent me from keeping my promises.
I love you, Raelynn, one day you will understand how and why our lives changed so suddenly. No one loves you like I do, nobody has the authority to change that.