Legs kicking like a babe again. Maybe this is what infancy feels like. Cry the same in the end. and I still get put down at night. But I wish I was never born. My brain and body are torn. I am ready to crawl into my grave. Never felt so fucking brave. I feel jealous as the cemetery passes. The rest of the masses. While a child blows kisses, I laugh and let them float west. The coast stays where I left it. and the anxiety remains under my skin. I scream and throw a fit. Please don’t let me get born again. don’t let me be born again.
When I was 18 or 19 I had an abortion. I did not want to have it, but I did because my boyfriend at the time wanted me to. I thought I would not lose him if I did this. It breaks my heart to this day, especially because of how wonderful my daughter is. I am sorry.
I could not escape the sorrow, and soon I found heroin and became addicted. I was never taught about why drugs were bad. My dad would say “because I said so.” I had to learn everything myself because of this.The boyfriend found out and left me. I have been off an on the drug for years now. I was not on drugs when I was pregnant and while I was raising my daughter. When she was taken from me for other reasons at 3, that same pain came to torment me again. Money was always hard. Even when I was clean. My parents would not help me. They gave me one chance to get clean and when I relapsed they still, to this day, do not trust me. Whether I was clean or not. I have had no support system for a long time. No real friends. No real family. This was long before my daughter was born.
Years later, the incident happened and my daughter was taken from me. And while heroin does not take the pain away, it is a distraction I embraced. Since she was taken, life has not been easy.
I have been alone for many years. I had never been arrested, depressed, homeless or suicidal before this CPS process. The stress and pressure applied to me was intentional and nothing I could do or say would get me justice. Nothing I or my attorney said to the Court made any difference. Truth, facts, evidence or even the best interest of my child had no affect on the outcome. Nothing made sense, my actions, the courts actions, none of it made sense. I thought the abuse my daughter and I received from the person who caused all this would be enough to get me relief. Abuse is abuse right? Wrong. Those who knew me could easily tell the court all about how I was raising me daughter, but no third parties were admitted to speak or write or communicate with the court.
My parents won my fight with CPS and adopted my daughter. They would not allow me to raise my daughter like the mother I should be. I was going to be at their mercy for the rest of my life and they had shown me none. Being alienated, legally abused, emotionally abused, isolated, and financially ruined are all a recipe for suicide. I have no money for medication or anything that people say helps. I was never going to be able to recover while watching my own parents raise my own daughter.
I am only allowed to see her with my parents supervision 4 hours a week. I do not understand this. I never harmed her. She was such a happy little girl. I would not steal her because prison does not bring me closer to her. All they had to do was be Legal Guardians which would have allowed me the chance to get her back in the future. But they robbed her and I of that. And for what? To cause us both pain and confusion for the rest of our lives? Never giving me a chance to prove that I can be worthy of being a mother?
Well it is time I end some of the confusion. I am writing a letter to my daughter so that she can know the truth when she is old enough to understand. I do not want my parents telling her lies about why she was taken from me to live with them, as if that would protect her from anything. I want her to know who her mother and father were. I want her to know how our life was together before she was ripped away. I want her to know how much I was there for her and how hard her grandparents made it for us to ever be reunited.
I cannot live like this anymore. Call me selfish, call me a bad mother, call me whatever you want. No other person can know of my life and what I can or cannot handle. I have reached my end. My daughter is taken care of and I am pushed more and more out of her life. My parents will not even allow her to be alone with me. I do not get it. I was not her abuser. They just want her to call them mom and dad, which, after these letters are written, she probably will. Because that is all she will have. I have thought this through and because I have been limited to her so much, she will not suffer much pain at losing her real mother.
My eyes reflect my misery. I am a waste of time, so I must die. Oh God, I am so afraid. I have searched for a way out but alas, there is only one.
I only hope that she reads everything on this blog and in the hand-written letters she will read when she is older. I hope they are delivered to her and that she talks to her father, Michael John Albrektsen, if he is still alive, to find out the truth of everything that happened in case her adopted parents do not disclose the truth out of fear that it will harm her. She needs to know that we could have been reunited if my parents had not pushed for adoption. She can read the court documents, listen to what her father said happened, and finally understand that I never abandoned her and always love her.
Raelynn Arienette Abat, you are more beautiful than any one I have ever seen. You are smart and make everyone laugh. You and I had a wonderful life from your birth until you were three years old. From three to almost six years old now, I have been allowed to see you twice a week for two hours each. Those four hours were the highlights of every week I have ever lived. We had so much fun and I loved watching you grow and learn. Please never doubt the love I have for you. It is okay if you hate me, just know that I did this not because I gave up on you or did not love you. But because I could no longer have you. As a child, you naturally prefer those who are taking care of you. Grandma and Grandpa do that now, against my will. The last three years I have been trying to cope with that. I am sorry I cannot learn how to cope without you.
The bond we shared was stellar. You are such a kind spirit. I wish I could be there to see what a stunning woman you become. I am crushed to not have been there the last three years as much as a mother is meant to be. I worked very hard as a mother to build your confidence and self-esteem. I hope you realize how strong and confident you are.
Know this Rae, My love for you is deathless, it binds me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break.
It has been a while…. for many things. I just wither. I do not let myself experience joy, only around Her. Because around Her, I feel human again. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Near Her. Loving Her. Guiding Her. Teaching Her. Hugging Her.
Then she is gone. for another week. And most times we part ways she says “I just want to go to your house and be with you…but I can’t.” All I can do is say “I want you to be with me too, more than anything. I’m sorry.” I am powerless. My heart breaks over and over again.
She knows she is supposed to be with me. She wants to come back home, back with Her Mama. But She doesn’t understand why She can’t. And as a parent, its the worst feeling to hear your child say she misses you and wants to be with you, and you can’t even be there for her, with her.
My parents have turned on me. They are fighting in court to adopt Her. They WANT to keep my little girl, forever, away from Her mother, where She wants to be. They want to keep their daughter’s daughter, for no reason other than that they finally spent more time with her (because they were kinda forced to) and they fell in love with her. For no reason other than their selfishness.
I am not a threat to my daughter. Everyone who knows me, knows that. Everyone who saw me with Her knows how much I looked after her. She always came first.
I can’t believe this is happening. This has to be a bad dream. I just need to wake up. Please, someone, wake me the fuck up! THIS CANT BE REAL. This isn’t reality, is it?
Doing my best to stay numb, otherwise I might kill myself.
Because I hate the society we live in, which consists of objects, systems, people, and politics, most of which I hate. Of course, there are those rare people and objects within society that I love, or at least tolerate. However, in my experience, society is full of hate, and I live in that society.
It goes without saying (yet I will say it anyway) that my experiences differ from others. I envy the ignorant (or at least I wish I did). I envy people whose parents were always there for them. I envy those who have a support system in place. I feel sad when I see a little girl, riding on her father’s shoulders, smiling and giggling.
I get stuck thinking about how my life, how my daughter’s life, could have been different if only I hadn’t done this, or my parents hadn’t raised me like that, and on and on… I have trouble letting go of the past, because I cannot forgive myself, and the people in my life who have hurt me and my future, have yet to seek forgiveness. I wish I understood, or that they understood, whoever needs to understand, I wish they just would.
This beautiful little girl:
Her name is Raelynn. I gave birth to her in 2010, with intentions on having her adopted. I changed my mind when they left me alone with her overnight. I fell in love and have been in love with her ever since. Her and I spent every single day together from birth until December 5th, 2013, when she was physically abused by someone her and I trusted, while I was gone, paying the rent. I came home, it was dark, and supposedly she had just woken up from a nap. About 15 minutes later, the “babysitter” left, and I checked on Raelynn. I picked her up, and she screamed a scream that I wish I could forget hearing. I knew she was hurt. I turned on the light, and my heart started beating faster and faster as I saw more and more bruises all over her head. I then noticed she wouldn’t move her arm. I took her to the hospital. She had a fractured rib, an inflamed pancreas, a fractured arm, and multiple bruises. CPS took her from me, gave her to my parents, tried terminating my rights, but changed their mind after they saw the bond between her and I. However, they did not give her back to me. I have cried everyday since.
Today, I am still fighting to get full custody back. After losing my child, I lost my apartment because I took time off from life. I shutdown. I didn’t know what else to do. Everything I did was for her. So I was left with nothing. CPS provided me a list of hoops to jump through, which I have been doing ever since. However, now that my parents have been forced to spend time with her, they fell in love with her (of course), and are making everything harder for me to get her back. They are making false accusations against me, and if anyone knows how CPS works, all heresy is valid until proven otherwise. I hired a private attorney. I have gotten back on my feet and have even started a business of my own, which so far has been successful. The fact that I am still fighting for full custody is ridiculous. But that is how CPS works, they get paid for every child they adopt out, so unless you work REALLY hard, dance when they tell you to dance, and retain private counsel, you stand no chance of getting your child back because they will NOT do everything they can to reunify families, because adoption is where the money’s at.
My daughter did not deserve to be abused by someone she trusted. She did not deserve to be moved out of her home and away from her mom, who she spent every day with. She did not deserve to have her routine completely interrupted. She did not deserve to suffer.
I am suffering, and I wish I could have suffered what she suffered, rather than her having to suffer all of that. I feel awful. I feel angry. Then my mind takes me to dark places. I am very good at talking shit about myself.
Hope is the only reason I am breathing these days. Hoping that one day, hopefully very soon, Raelynn and I can be happy and together every day again, like we were before that day in December. I hope that as she grows up, our bond will grow as well. I hope I can help her cope with what happened to her when the long-lasting effects of the trauma she experienced finally come to surface.
I will never forget her cries when they took her from me at the hospital. And I remember, when she was a newborn, swearing to her that I’d always be there. I need to be there for her, always. I promised. No one should have the authority to prevent me from keeping my promises.
I love you, Raelynn, one day you will understand how and why our lives changed so suddenly. No one loves you like I do, nobody has the authority to change that.