When I was 18 or 19 I had an abortion. I did not want to have it, but I did because my boyfriend at the time wanted me to. I thought I would not lose him if I did this. It breaks my heart to this day, especially because of how wonderful my daughter is. I am sorry.
I could not escape the sorrow, and soon I found heroin and became addicted. I was never taught about why drugs were bad. My dad would say “because I said so.” I had to learn everything myself because of this.The boyfriend found out and left me. I have been off an on the drug for years now. I was not on drugs when I was pregnant and while I was raising my daughter. When she was taken from me for other reasons at 3, that same pain came to torment me again. Money was always hard. Even when I was clean. My parents would not help me. They gave me one chance to get clean and when I relapsed they still, to this day, do not trust me. Whether I was clean or not. I have had no support system for a long time. No real friends. No real family. This was long before my daughter was born.
Years later, the incident happened and my daughter was taken from me. And while heroin does not take the pain away, it is a distraction I embraced. Since she was taken, life has not been easy.
I have been alone for many years. I had never been arrested, depressed, homeless or suicidal before this CPS process. The stress and pressure applied to me was intentional and nothing I could do or say would get me justice. Nothing I or my attorney said to the Court made any difference. Truth, facts, evidence or even the best interest of my child had no affect on the outcome. Nothing made sense, my actions, the courts actions, none of it made sense. I thought the abuse my daughter and I received from the person who caused all this would be enough to get me relief. Abuse is abuse right? Wrong. Those who knew me could easily tell the court all about how I was raising me daughter, but no third parties were admitted to speak or write or communicate with the court.
My parents won my fight with CPS and adopted my daughter. They would not allow me to raise my daughter like the mother I should be. I was going to be at their mercy for the rest of my life and they had shown me none. Being alienated, legally abused, emotionally abused, isolated, and financially ruined are all a recipe for suicide. I have no money for medication or anything that people say helps. I was never going to be able to recover while watching my own parents raise my own daughter.
I am only allowed to see her with my parents supervision 4 hours a week. I do not understand this. I never harmed her. She was such a happy little girl. I would not steal her because prison does not bring me closer to her. All they had to do was be Legal Guardians which would have allowed me the chance to get her back in the future. But they robbed her and I of that. And for what? To cause us both pain and confusion for the rest of our lives? Never giving me a chance to prove that I can be worthy of being a mother?
Well it is time I end some of the confusion. I am writing a letter to my daughter so that she can know the truth when she is old enough to understand. I do not want my parents telling her lies about why she was taken from me to live with them, as if that would protect her from anything. I want her to know who her mother and father were. I want her to know how our life was together before she was ripped away. I want her to know how much I was there for her and how hard her grandparents made it for us to ever be reunited.
I cannot live like this anymore. Call me selfish, call me a bad mother, call me whatever you want. No other person can know of my life and what I can or cannot handle. I have reached my end. My daughter is taken care of and I am pushed more and more out of her life. My parents will not even allow her to be alone with me. I do not get it. I was not her abuser. They just want her to call them mom and dad, which, after these letters are written, she probably will. Because that is all she will have. I have thought this through and because I have been limited to her so much, she will not suffer much pain at losing her real mother.
My eyes reflect my misery. I am a waste of time, so I must die. Oh God, I am so afraid. I have searched for a way out but alas, there is only one.
I only hope that she reads everything on this blog and in the hand-written letters she will read when she is older. I hope they are delivered to her and that she talks to her father, Michael John Albrektsen, if he is still alive, to find out the truth of everything that happened in case her adopted parents do not disclose the truth out of fear that it will harm her. She needs to know that we could have been reunited if my parents had not pushed for adoption. She can read the court documents, listen to what her father said happened, and finally understand that I never abandoned her and always love her.
Raelynn Arienette Abat, you are more beautiful than any one I have ever seen. You are smart and make everyone laugh. You and I had a wonderful life from your birth until you were three years old. From three to almost six years old now, I have been allowed to see you twice a week for two hours each. Those four hours were the highlights of every week I have ever lived. We had so much fun and I loved watching you grow and learn. Please never doubt the love I have for you. It is okay if you hate me, just know that I did this not because I gave up on you or did not love you. But because I could no longer have you. As a child, you naturally prefer those who are taking care of you. Grandma and Grandpa do that now, against my will. The last three years I have been trying to cope with that. I am sorry I cannot learn how to cope without you.
The bond we shared was stellar. You are such a kind spirit. I wish I could be there to see what a stunning woman you become. I am crushed to not have been there the last three years as much as a mother is meant to be. I worked very hard as a mother to build your confidence and self-esteem. I hope you realize how strong and confident you are.
Know this Rae, My love for you is deathless, it binds me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break.